A doctor and his wife
were having an argument one morning.
"Your love making has a lot to be
desired", he stated. He had second
thoughts when he arrived at his office and decided to
call her and apologize for what he had
said. The phone rang and rang, but she never
answered. When he arrived home that evening, he
asked where she had been and why she did not pick
up the phone. She told him she couldn't as she was in bed
and too busy getting another opinion.
A married man was having an affair with his
secretary. One day, after spending the afternoon
together, they fell asleep and did not awake until 8:00
PM. As the man hurriedly dressed he asked the
secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through
the grass. Mystified, she complied. When he
returned home, his wife asked where he had been. He
replied, "I can't lie to you. I'm having an affair with my secretary. The wife
glanced down at his shoes and said:
"You're a lying bum. You've been playing
A young man named Michael was very
nervous about a blind date his friend had arranged.
"Don't worry," his friend said. "If
she doesn't meet your expectations - just say "Aghhhhhhhhhh"
when she meets you at the door and she will run
away." That evening when Michael met his date
at her front door, he was amazed and delighted at the
beautiful, sexy figure standing before him - until
he heard her gasp, "Aghhhhhhhhhhh"
Thank God for air
in the mood for love . . .
a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot
day. They were sweating profusely by the
time they came upon a small lake with a sandy
beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they
left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the
beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a
long, refreshing swim. Refreshed, they were
halfway back up the beach to the spot they left
their clothes when a group of ladies from town
came along. Unable to get to their clothes
in time, the minister and the priest covered
their privates and the rabbi covered his face
while they ran for cover in the bushes.
After the ladies wandered on and the men got
dressed, the minister and the priest asked the
rabbi why he covered his face rather than his
privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't
know about you, but in MY congregation, . .
. it's my face they would recognize!"
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday
School. She usually slept during the entire class. One
day, while she was napping, the teacher asked, " Who created the
Universe? "When she didn't stir, the little boy seated in the chair behind Mary
took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!"
shouted Mary and the teacher said "Very good" and Mary fell
back to sleep. A little while later the teacher asked Mary,
"Who is our Lord & Savior?" Once again, the little
boy stuck the sleeping Mary with a pin. "Jesus
Christ!" shouted Mary. The teacher was pleased. Mary
fell back to sleep again. Later, the teacher asked Mary a 3rd
question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd
child?" The little boy jabbed the sleeping Mary again with
the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If
you stick that dam thing in me one more time, I'll break it in
half." The teacher fainted.
It's an art!
A few profound words . . .
A man's got to
do what a man's got to do. A woman must do
what he can't.
when you finally get your head together and your
body starts falling apart.
offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I
know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde.
I'm not going
to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on!
The journey of
a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and leaky tire.
irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.
of the Month
Your Daily Dose of Zen
criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. This way, when you criticize
them, you're a mile away and you have their
If at first you
don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If you lend
someone $20 and never see that person again - it
was probably worth it.
Give a man a
fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
how to fish, and he will sit in a boat &
drink beer all day.
darkest before dawn. So if you're going to
steal your neighbor's new paper - that's the time
to do it.
If you think
nobody cares if you're alive - try missing a
couple of car payments!
The benefits of growing old:
In a hostage
situation you are likely to be released first.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment
charges to stick.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
No one expects you to run into a burning
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
You can live without sex but not without your
You can't remember the time you last laid on the
floor to watch television.
You got cable for the
You have a party and the neighbors don't even
You sing along with the elevator music.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no
matter who walks into the room.
You talk about good grass and you're referring to
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because
they can't remember either.
Your supply of brain cells
is finally down to a manageable size.
People send you this list . . .
wanting to earn some money, decided to hire
herself out as a handyman and started canvassing
a well-to-do neighborhood. She knocked on
the door of the first house and asked the owner
if he had any jobs for her to do. He
replied, "Well, you can paint my
porch. How much will you
charge?" The blonde, after looking
about, said, "How about $50
dollars?" The man agreed and told her
that the paint and other materials that she might
need were in the garage. The man's wife
heard the conversation and said to her husband,
"Does she realize that the porch goes all
the way around the house?" The man
replied, "She should. She was standing
on it." A short time later the blonde
came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he
asked. "Yes", the blonde
answered, " and I had paint left over, so I
gave it two coats." Impressed, the man
reached in his pocket and paid her the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added . .
. (are you ready for this?) . . . "It's not a Porsche - it's a