A doctor and his wife
were having an argument one morning.
"Your love making has a lot to be
desired", he stated. He had second
thoughts when he arrived at his office and decided to
call her and apologize for what he had
said. The phone rang and rang, but she never
answered. When he arrived home that evening, he
asked where she had been and why she did not pick
up the phone. She told him she couldn't as she was in bed
and too busy getting another opinion.
A married man was having an affair with his
secretary. One day, after spending the afternoon
together, they fell asleep and did not awake until 8:00
PM. As the man hurriedly dressed he asked the
secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through
the grass. Mystified, she complied. When he
returned home, his wife asked where he had been. He
replied, "I can't lie to you. I'm having an affair with my secretary. The wife
glanced down at his shoes and said:
"You're a lying bum. You've been playing
golf!"
Doctor Jerk
A young man named Michael was very
nervous about a blind date his friend had arranged.
"Don't worry," his friend said. "If
she doesn't meet your expectations - just say "Aghhhhhhhhhh"
when she meets you at the door and she will run
away." That evening when Michael met his date
at her front door, he was amazed and delighted at the
beautiful, sexy figure standing before him - until
he heard her gasp, "Aghhhhhhhhhhh"
frustration
Thank God for air conditioners!!
Anyone you know?
I'm in the mood for love . . .
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A minister,
a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot
day. They were sweating profusely by the
time they came upon a small lake with a sandy
beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they
left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the
beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a
long, refreshing swim. Refreshed, they were
halfway back up the beach to the spot they left
their clothes when a group of ladies from town
came along. Unable to get to their clothes
in time, the minister and the priest covered
their privates and the rabbi covered his face
while they ran for cover in the bushes.
After the ladies wandered on and the men got
dressed, the minister and the priest asked the
rabbi why he covered his face rather than his
privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't
know about you, but in MY congregation, . .
. it's my face they would recognize!" Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. She usually slept during the entire class. One day, while she was napping, the teacher asked, " Who created the Universe? "When she didn't stir, the little boy seated in the chair behind Mary took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary and the teacher said "Very good" and Mary fell back to sleep. A little while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord & Savior?" Once again, the little boy stuck the sleeping Mary with a pin. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary. The teacher was pleased. Mary fell back to sleep again. Later, the teacher asked Mary a 3rd question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?" The little boy jabbed the sleeping Mary again with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that dam thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half." The teacher fainted. It's an art!
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A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on! The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Before your criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. This way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again - it was probably worth it. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's new paper - that's the time to do it. If you think nobody cares if you're alive - try missing a couple of car payments! |
In a hostage
situation you are likely to be released first.
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A blonde,
wanting to earn some money, decided to hire
herself out as a handyman and started canvassing
a well-to-do neighborhood. She knocked on
the door of the first house and asked the owner
if he had any jobs for her to do. He
replied, "Well, you can paint my
porch. How much will you
charge?" The blonde, after looking
about, said, "How about $50
dollars?" The man agreed and told her
that the paint and other materials that she might
need were in the garage. The man's wife
heard the conversation and said to her husband,
"Does she realize that the porch goes all
the way around the house?" The man
replied, "She should. She was standing
on it." A short time later the blonde
came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he
asked. "Yes", the blonde
answered, " and I had paint left over, so I
gave it two coats." Impressed, the man
reached in his pocket and paid her the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added . .
. (are you ready for this?) . . .
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